I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
