If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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