His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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