New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Randomize
