woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Randomize