Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
