This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
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