Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Randomize
