Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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