god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
