maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Dignity is for republicans.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
