I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
