First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
