Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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