did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
