The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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