Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
