You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
She's just so happy...and so naked.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
