dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
