And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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