i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
