the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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