watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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