Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
