I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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