I cannot find my penis.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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