I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I'm at about main and main street
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
