Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
