my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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