i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
