Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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