oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I want her autograph on my taint
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
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