oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
two words: eviction party
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
