I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize