then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
