I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
