She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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