Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
