I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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