Swine flu. Run for my life!
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
