He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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