Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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