after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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