when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
