one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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