The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
