i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
