3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize