How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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