i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
tequila makes me forget i have legs
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
