call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
