smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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