you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize