Michael Bay diarrhea
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
