I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
