went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Randomize