I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Randomize
